The Search For a Lost Definition
At a very young age, the question of “what defines you?” pushed the weight on my shoulders and resulted to searching for the lost answer that was nowhere to be found. I searched through my unwanted homework, skimming through wordy books, even looking through the deepest of places. As the years went by, no matter how hard I searched, it was never found. How could I ever find it? The answer had always been layed out in front of me. Once in awhile, my family and I had taken long walks through parks. That marked the day, I had finally found the definition of who I was.
The feeling of soft evergreen grass pricking my bare little feet, inhaling the fresh air. The tallest of trees surrounded my family and I. With electronics switched off and laughter switched on. The loud footsteps of my older brothers following me, and the sight of my parents walking with hands intertwined. I felt like I had nothing to worry about, these were the moments that I would always come back to. Reality was no longer the problem that blocked me from searching for my definition.
I stopped in the middle of my track, and began to sit down on the wet grass, having no regrets in life. I sat back and closed my eyes. I felt as if the world was left behind me, and I was finally back in my own little world. This was where some of my best thinking happened. This was where I found my true identity, barricaded away from anyone, only having the company of my loved ones. I didn’t have to look, feel, think the same way as everyone else when I was around them. I looked nothing like what society had wanted everyone to look. I sat back and looked up at the pale blue sky, I knew I didn’t have to compare myself to others. I was who I was, and there was nothing I could do about it. My family wanted what was best for me, they had fought the battle in order to show their love for me, and I was forever grateful for that.
I was always pulled away from my own little world into the big world, I was pulled into an ocean of stress. Time was escaping. Not only had I lost time to myself, I had felt as if time with my family was running short. I often found myself behind closed walls, with the door locked shut, and music blasting. Sitting on a red chair, hunched behind a huge desk. My neck began to ache, hand beginning to cramp, as I remain clutching the lilac mechanical pencil. Remembering my long walks, the presence of my family had made me happier, bringing a wider smile on my face. Everyone in my family had always been busy, I felt as if the string between us was beginning to fray.
From time to time, my father had constantly asked me the same question, “what are your plans for the future?” There was never a day where this question had never frightened me. I barely had time to find my true identity, let alone had an idea of what my future would look like. The pressure of the world was pulled back onto my back and had weighed me down whenever this question was asked. As the question continued to linger through my brain, I stood up and began to take a walk. The sun seemed to gleam brighter, the birds began to sing louder. The fresh air relaxed me. I looked back at how everything appeared to be thrown at me, but noticed that if I allowed these things to get in the way of being myself and preventing me from being with my loved ones. I should just take a step back and re-evaluate my life. Soon I began to find my true passions, I began to be myself, rarely trying to mold myself into what society wanted me to be. I wanted to be different. I wanted to live a life where my actions weren’t influenced by society’s expectations, instead were influenced by how my family thought of it, but most importantly being impacted by how I looked at myself.
As I’m beginning to grow up, the meaning of family is redefining. I’ll never forget the feeling of escaping reality with the company of love and family. The influences of today’s society and what others think of me, may tweak the definition of who I am. But what defines me is the strong relationship between my family and I, and the way I look at myself and my actions.
